Detention Homework

June 5, 2008

Excerpt form a report on Spoo…

“… stated that spoo were tiny, pasty, mealworm-like creatures that were regarded with contempt by most of the sentient species that have encountered it. According to Straczynski, spoo “are the only creatures of which the Wizarding Animal Rights Protection League says, simply, ‘Kill ’em.’

“The process of raising spoo was described by Straczynski in detail. The creatures are raised on ranches on ranches with moist and chilly climates, not because the creatures thrive in such environs, but because it produces the best level of paleness in the creatures’ skin. Starting a spoo ranch is relatively easy: the only requirement is to place 200 spoo in the middle of the ranch and wait. Within a short period of time, they have reproduced in sufficient numbers and harvesting can commence, with the preferred method being a simple whack with a stick. Little physical effort is required to cull the herds—spoo are incapable of moving more than six inches (15 cm) in a year, tend to stay propped up against one another “ostensibly for mutual protection,” with attempts at movement usually ending up in the creatures toppling over. The primary difficulty in spoo ranching is in the only sound the creatures make: loud, continuous sighing. The only protection against the sighing is the use of earmuffs, which eventually cannot block the sheer volume of sighs as the harvest progresses—when whacked, a spoo simply sighs more loudly. The sighing often triggers bouts of major depression, with some ranchers even going mad from the incessant sighs.

“As a widely consumed food product, like coffee or beef, spoo is a traded commodity, where the price of the product at the consumer level is dictated by the price on common exchanges. During one day  the price of a spoo sandwich started at ten knuts an ounce; at the end of the same day it has gone up to fifteen knuts. While this could be a simple mistake by the Daily Prophet one  assumes that it is an actual demonstration to spoo’s exorbitant volatility in the market.

“Unlike other products, not only is spoo a tradable commodity, but spoo ranches themselves, like large corporations, sell shares. It is not known if this is facilitated by spoo’s immense popularity or because the ranches’ value is exacerbated by their rarity (due to the difficulty of, and disproportionately high suicide rate in, spoo ranching).

A Spoo rancher is often confused with a nerf herder.  A nerf herder is a lower class outdoorsman who spends his days safeguarding the nerfs on various continents across the world. A worlds away from spoo, nerfs are grumpy, antlered herbivores, resembling yaks, raised for their milk and meat. The average nerf is roughly half a meter long and well over a meter tall. They have long, dull horns protruding from the head.  Nerf hearders can best be compared to the American cowboy or shepherds of old in their steadfast pursuit of an independent lifestyle. They generally wear old, worn out work clothes and carry simple projectile weapons as well as staves they use to drive obstinate nerfs out of their hiding places. Due to their significant skills in fieldcraft and gunplay, as well as not having the resources to bathe and change their clothes often, the rest of the “civilized” people look down upon them. Except the spoo ranchers who rather obviously look up.


One comment

  1. Nerf herders really are rather scruffy looking, aren’t they?

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